23 Photos

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For one awkward day in 2012 this picture rose to #1 on Reddit. Taken initially for an “Awkward Work Photo” contest, the picture collected nearly 2 million views on IMGUR. The photo was reblogged on Buzzfeed, and many, many others. There were dozens of memes and who knows what else that used my likeness. I wouldn’t say it was my proudest hour…but it did happen. Oh yeah, and we didn’t win the photo contest at work.

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It’s hard to find full time work when you’re 4 years old, but I still was able to book enough mini-John-Candy-look-alike gigs to support my Blow Pop addiction.

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The highs of being a white bunny rabbit are greatly exaggerated.

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Grab your penis all you want little Jeffrey, it’s not gonna stop the pee from soiling your PJs.

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Sex doesn’t sell. I do.

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In the world of modeling there are runway front liners and just above that is the apex that all beautiful people aspire to—corporate envelope modeling. Checkmate.

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I used to hear “You would make a beautiful girl” quite a lot at this point in my life.

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This used to be “my look”, but I got tired of all the catcalls.

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I didn’t know Wayne Hogeland very well or for very long, but whenever this bearded long-haul trucker visited my childhood home fists would pump like there was no tomorrow.

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I used to tuck my tee shirts into my acid washed shorts while my brother was still going through his plastic clothes phase.

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I forget if throwing up this westside was ironic or not. Regardless, I went through a phase when I was a douchebag.

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What? It was my first pair of dog slippers, a seminal moment. Hell, my brother even wore he’s special hot dog shirt for the occasion.

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I prefer my shirts secondhand and decorated with Velveeta.

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I invented the Smedium.

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So the key is to wet your comb with Aquanet, then take one sweeping brush across your scalp just passed your hairline. Fluff your bangs. Then head straight to the hospital.

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As my brother John and I proved, there are no sexier professions than doctors and lawyers. I rest my case.

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My mom has always been creative. And when we were kids she once tried to give my brothers and I stylish cuts. Four jagged cuts and half an earlobe forced a resolution. Thus came the great buzzcuts of ’86.

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It’s a humbling moment when your wife has to photoshop your double chin out of the family photo.

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It’s spelled P-I-M-P.

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Taking shots isn’t a must, unless it compliments the motif my daughter and I have going on.

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Typical Friday. Probably heading to “kids eat free” night at Coco’s.

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Born 50 years late.

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My brother Jesse and I experimented with gang activity, but our insistence on wearing Gotcha tee shirts and B.U.M. Equipment shorts landed us on the outside of our crew fairly quickly. Well that and the unwillingness to do bad things.